So, quick summary of the past month and a half:

Office manager for an electrical contractor for six years, overwhelmed, under supported, struggling with undiagnosed depression and bad financial decisions by the owners, makes a bad decision herself and is summarily fired. Bye bye, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Here’s your stuff. Get. No severance pay, no unused holiday pay (forget that I haven’t been able to take a decent holiday in forever because I WAS the office), not even a certainty that I’ll be able to collect unemployment. Good thing I live with my mom.

Obviously it’s more complicated than that, but fool that I am, I still feel a lot of loyalty to that damn company and I can’t in good conscience share – even anonymously – further details. Suffice to say that I was not entirely exempt of responsibility. Still, neither was the company.

For a month before I was fired, I was suffering physical symptoms of anxiety. All the fun stuff – heart palpitations, inability to catch my breath, nausea, inability to focus, headaches, throat swelling. When I was fired I thought that would eliminate the anxiety. After all, it was their problem now. It didn’t go away, though, so I saw a doctor. Last time I blamed my physical illness on stress, it ended up being a bad gall bladder. I didn’t want another major health problem to slip by until after my insurance ran out. The doctor said yes, anxiety, but more – situational depression. Oh crap. So I went home and looked up the symptoms of depression. Hmmm. Sounds familiar. Sounds like stuff I’ve been struggling with for a couple of years. Lovely.

The doc recommended I see a counselor, which I have been. I also spoke with my aunt, who has been even more helpful than the counselor. I’ve always had difficulty doing new things, meeting new people, putting myself out there. I don’t like to be afraid, to feel stupid, to be wrong. If I’m in a position of power, I’m great with people. I love public speaking. I enjoy teaching. I like knowing “everything.” However, plop me down in the middle of a social setting where I have no particular expertise, with a bunch of people I don’t know, and I’ll do my best impression of wallpaper. Everything I do, I do well. Sounds great, until you realize that’s because I choose not to do anything that I don’t do well.

I’ve been creating challenges for myself. The first was a week or two after the termination. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t reason, I was afraid of making mistakes – so I gave myself the task of designing and sewing a complex quilt block. I named it Anxiety. Maybe it’s been designed before and has a different name, but I’m proud of it.

It was a breakthrough for me. I still spent a lot of time reading, but I also started sewing again. Being productive helped me start getting my head together. I was able to work on my resume and cover letters, a major first step in finding a new job.

Unfortunately, I’m still jobless. I’ve submitted about 20 resumes and had several interviews, but nothing has come through yet. It’s scary because I still don’t know if I’m going to get unemployment. I hated the idea of it (I’ve never collected unemployment before), but I’m in a position where it’s necessary. It’s either that or reduce my job requirements drastically. I mean, we’re talking fast food here. Considering that the last time I worked in fast food, 20 years ago, I found maggots, you can understand why I’d really rather not go there.

So there it is, the sad chapter in my life story. I believe that it will turn for the better soon. It’s gotta.